This is the 7th letter in a series of letters I have been writing to our future child as we go through the process of dealing with subfertility/infertility that began in January. If you want to read the others, simply click the "Dear Baby Series" tag at the bottom of this post.
Dear Baby, 5/27/13
Well this month was not the month. Even though I could practically tell myself that it probably was not the month, it is emotional each month because my luteal phase lasts ONE day longer each cycle. So each cycle, I have that one day where I really think this could be it. Today I would have gone to get bloodwork, but I woke up and found out that was unnecessary. I was so glad daddy was home because I went and cried in his arms. I needed about 5-10 minutes to let my frustration out, and I’m feeling ok again. I have to keep praying and keep trusting. I’m bummed but optimistic. I’ll go to the doctor tomorrow to find out if I’m having surgery this cycle or if I get one more shot at Clomid. I’m anxious about the money for the surgery, but also don’t want to waste any time. I look at big families all the time and have to mourn what I may never have. Daddy’s parents tried for 11 years before they had him and he is an only child. I have to remind myself that my images of a large-ish family are what I want, but may not be what God wants or what I will end up with. I have to be ok with the hand that I’m dealt, because the other option is to just sit back and miss out on life while I grieve.
Speaking of which, Daddy and I are trying very hard to enjoy life during this process and to keep as much normalcy as possible so that trying to have a baby doesn’t consume us. Our new favorite thing to do is grill out and play cards and board games after we eat. We just got furniture for the deck, so we have really been enjoying time outside together.We are headed to Alaska with the family next week, and I’m really excited to ‘check out’ of normal life for a little bit and just have a blast with daddy. He’s had a rough time at work, and we could both use some time to really enjoy each other!
I want to eventually share these letters to you on my blog, just as an eye opening experience for people who have never/will never deal with this and also possibly as a comfort (misery loves company?) for those who are dealing with it. I know some people might think this is strange. Writing to a baby who doesn’t exist? Writing to a baby who may never exist? But I’m hoping and praying you will, and I want you to know the experiences mommy and daddy dealt with. Not to make you feel guilty or bad, but because this is more than a blip in our life. It’s our struggle, and yet our journey, to expand our family and create/nurture new life. I’m big into documenting things anyway, so this is just an extension of that. I’m not yet ‘out’ on my blog, or really in real life besides to a few family/friends, about our struggle with fertility issuest, so this also serves as a cathartic form of therapy for me. Writing to you, who, yeah, doesn’t exist yet, makes me feel better. So strange or not, it is what it is.
Love you,
Mommy
*hugs*
ReplyDeleteI think these reflections are beautiful =) I too have struggle to let go of the ideal of having a big family. Not that it's impossible at this point, but it seems a lot more doable if you have a honeymoon baby, ha ha =) I have to keep reminding myself: holiness is the goal, not a big family. Living my marriage vocation is the goal, not being a mother (since that's not in my control...but I already said "yes" to my husband). It has also helped me to see examples of holy women who were never blessed with children, or like your MIL blessed with one. I grieve for them, knowing now a piece of what they must have gone through, but I also see in them a well-lived life and that gives me peace. My life will not be wasted, even if I'm never blessed with a child!
ReplyDeletePrayers for you to have abundant peace during this difficult time =)