Dear Baby: Letters to our Future Child #3

This is the 3rd letter in a series of letters I have been writing to our future child as we go through the process of dealing with subfertility/infertility that began in January. If you want to read the others, simply click the "Dear Baby Series" tag at the bottom of this post. This letter is similar to the first one because apparently I forgot that I had already written about this somewhat... or, knowing me, the more I wrote it, the more cathartic it was! 

Dear Baby, April 17, 2013

I haven’t told you our journey to the infertillity diagnosis. Mommy started seeing a doctor who was Creighton trained shortly before the wedding. We decided to proceed with treatment for PCOS/amenorrhoea when we got back from the honeymoon. I had ovulated only a few times, I think, since coming off of birth control 4 months prior. But shortly after the wedding, nothing happened for many months. Mommy would think her body was working, but blood draw after blood draw said otherwise. The doctor gave me until the end of the year to ovulate on my own before wanting to come up with a game plan. Mommy prayed and prayed that her body would get it together. My thyroid suddenly quit working correctly, and I put on 30 lbs within a few months. It was a pretty rough time and I was getting sick of going to the doctor all the time, especially because it is a 45 min drive each way. At the end of the year, I got a 3 month break as we just waited for my body to do something. It was a much needed break.

In January of this year, we decided to try to get some post ovulatory bloodwork to see what was going on. The only way to do that was to force my body to ovulate. Daddy and I were scared, but we decided to start trying to build a family during the testing. Mommy got stuck so many times to measure levels. Now we are 3 months into this. Usually someone using NFP is not called infertile until they try for a baby for 6 months. But because I didn’t ovulate for 8 or so months in a row, I got the diagnosis before we even started trying to have you. Lucky me, huh?

What has probably been the most painful part of this is not getting support from other people dealing with the same issue. People seem to think that because daddy and I haven’t been trying for you for a long time that it is not painful, that our experience is less valid. Let me tell you baby, you are worth all of this, but it is very painful. It is hard knowing that we won’t have you without pumping medications in my body every month, without enduring blood draw after blood draw, and even harder when people won’t let you lean on them for support because they are hurting so much. Sometimes I feel like I have nowhere to turn. Daddy tries really hard and is so supportive, but he just doesn’t *get* it. He has so much confidence that you will come along soon, so it’s hard for him to understand my feelings. I hope he is right. I hope you come along VERY soon! But I also have to remind myself that people try for months, years, and some never get pregnant. That is a hard pill to swallow.

Baby, you will join our family however God designs it- whether through Mommy birthing you, or through foster care, or through adoption. But even knowing that does not take away the sting of knowing that my female body is not doing what it is designed for. My body is designed for life, and bearing life is such a struggle. I do know that I can bear life to the world in other ways, and I need to get better about that in the mean time.

I love you!

Mommy