Looking back on the past few months, I think I had at least a little post partum depression. During it, I really thought my feelings were just part of the crappy circumstances surrounding all our feeding issues. But in hindsight, I can recognize that some of my feelings weren't "normal". I joined a new breastfeeding support group (Joined at the Nip- how cute!) and actually seeing and hearing some of the new moms there is what helped me to identify it. I had many, many days where I felt like I couldn't be a mom to my baby and that the job was impossible. I know now that feeling overwhelmed is totally normal but multiple days of feeling like I just can't do it is a red flag. Thankfully, I feel like I've come through to the other side (before even recognizing that PPD was an issue, ironically), but at least I know what to look for for next time.
I think the 4mo+ age range is a sweet spot for me. The first 3 months were just plain hard. I loved my baby but didn't particularly enjoy her most of the time. Now I find myself enjoying her most of the time, with a few rough moments mixed in from time to time. I think that's how it's supposed to be. She's at an age where I can do stuff with her, which has helped a lot. I love to watch her experience firsts- first time feeling the rain, first time in a shopping cart, for example. She's so expressive and we spend our days playing, singing, dancing, roughhousing, reading, and having "conversations". I finally feel a breath of fresh air, like "ahhhh.... this is what motherhood is supposed to be like". And I'm eating it up. I know I'll never have the pleasure of giving all of my attention to one baby again, so I'm thoroughly enjoying it. Felicity is my little buddy; I love doing everything with her. Things I do for her, like take naps with her because she doesn't sleep well otherwise, I won't be able to do for subsequent babies (since I'll have a toddler on my hands!), so I'm just reveling in the fact that I can do it now. When it feels a bit annoying- after all, I COULD be using that time to get stuff done- I remember that this is so short lived, and I cuddle up on my precious, sleeping baby. The days can still be long and sometimes I look at her and just. want. a. break. already., but over all I am completely enamored with Felicity and trying to drink in every moment of babyhood. She is such an adorable little girl, and growing faster than I care to admit. I love my little minky!!!
I am glad to read you overcame the PPD hurtle! With my first son, I had a similar experience as you. I sort of thought what I was experiencing must be normal, but on the other hand I felt guilty that I wasn't thriving like some other moms I saw seemed to be. And honestly after wanting nothing more than to be a mom for most of my life, I was disappointed that I felt the way I did when I finally had that sweet little baby in my arms. I think around 6 months is when I turned a corner. And it wasn't till later that it really dawned on me that I probably had a touch of PPD or some serious baby blues. Luckily I haven't experienced that again with my other kids. There are days that overwhelm me and I need a break, but it's what I consider normal :)
ReplyDeleteOh and my little Clare has that same pink striped kitty outfit! Felicity is a doll. That last picture of her in the wide-brimmed had is adorable!!