Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Domestic Expectations

Over the past six months, as I anticipated becoming a wife, and as we made big decisions about our future, I began making mental (and not so mental) lists about things I wanted to learn or perfect or dabble in. They included things like baking/cooking from scratch, finding more ways to save money, knitting, sewing, crocheting, and finding something that I can eventually make money off of when I'm staying home.

I was really intent on learning at least the basics to knitting, crocheting, and sewing this year. Then I took a two part knitting class, tried my hand at it for a while at home, and promptly lost all interest in things that include the words 'needles' and 'yarn'. I have been feeling sort of like I failed myself, and sort of like I'm no good at domestic-y stuff. And at first I thought it was everyone else's fault for being so darn crafty. And then I realized, it was my own fault for seeking out all these blogs of skills I don't have, and expecting myself to be like them overnight. It was my own problem and my own fault, and no one else's. Then I thought how disturbing it was that I could take all the gifts and talents I have, shove them in a closet somewhere, and then be angry that I have no gifts or talents. Yeah, I had a few pity party moments.

Buttercup clearly had more fun knitting than I did...

So then I thought about what I'm good at and what I enjoy. I'm really good at researching stuff. Anything I deem important (these days it's PCOS, fertility, things related to my faith, home buying, homeschooling, ways to be frugal, awesome things I want to have and do when we have a baby, etc.) I research within an inch of it's life. I thoroughly enjoy that process. I enjoy scrapbooking. Alot. It's my thing that makes me feel crafty and everyone loves the feeling of making something. That's what scrapbooking gives me. I'm good at nurturing, and that comes out in working on my health, loving on Steven and Buttercup within an inch of their lives (obviously that area will get more use when we have children), and certain aspects of my job. I enjoy baking and cooking, and researching new recipes, new ways of eating, and finding frugal ways to do it. Oh yes, I enjoy being frugal and finding a deal, and I think I'm pretty good at it.

Ok, time to reign in the humility. But it took some self reflection to realize that I don't have to be like everyone else, or even ANYone else to be happy with how I am and to feel domestic. Maybe I'm not a knitter or super fashionable or a dinner party thrower or crafty enough to set up an Etsy shop with something that would actually sell. But I'm domestic in that I like to clean, I like to cook, and I like to take care of people. And I kept thinking if I could just find that marketable, clever craft, it would make the financial burden on Steven so much easier when we have kids. And then I was like yeah... I like to nurture and I like to take care of people. I nannied for 3 summers, worked at a childcare for a couple years, and babysat more years than I can count. I super love children, and honestly miss them now that I work full time with adults. There's GOT to be a set of parents out there who are looking for someone to nurture and take care of their baby when I'm staying at home with mine. So instead of searching for talents I may never have, or wishing for skills I may never want to put the time into gaining, I decided to focus on what I am  good at and what I do enjoy and capitalize on that.

I know it's something we all suffer with to a degree.... seeing things in other people that you wish you had. Translating it to other areas of our lives, "I wish I had her figure" or "I wish I made as much as he does!". But it doesn't matter. What matters is what we have and what we do with it. So this isn't to say that I don't want to continue stretching my mind and learning knew things, because I want to do that for the rest of my life. But I want to quit making myself feel like I'm not as good as the next person if I don't have the same skill set as them. I'm domestic in my own way and I need to learn to appreciate that.

Did you have any expectations for yourself as you became a wife and/or mother? Were they realistic or were you wanting to be someone that you aren't? How have you reconciled that?

10 comments:

  1. Truthfully, I'd rather be a working mom (I know... I'm weird) but I hate being a housewife and I feel like I'm more productive working a job. Of course, I ended up with a kid who needs me full-time so that's where I am right now and I'll go back to school when he starts kindergarten to work on becoming a respiratory therapist.

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    1. That's a good point; I hadn't really thought about it from that angle! And no, you're not weird :). Thank you for sharing.

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  2. It's taken me 8 long, painstaking years to figure this out. I'm not crafty; nor a decorator; nor a good cook; and cleaning, well, that's just laughable. I tried for years to be good at all of these things and just recently have I realized that The Man knew all of these things when he proposed, he didn't marry a crafty chef with an eye for decor who does this all without a spot of dust. Nope, he married me.

    I focus on the things I can do and I do the things I can do well but don't like to do (ex. laundry) and the others are OK the way they are. I love your plan for nannying as a way to stay home and still contribute financially. And, while I think homemade stuff is awesome, a gift or something purchased from a friend or from Etsy is equally as awesome as something you make!

    Basically, I love this post! Yay you!!!

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    1. You're so right, and I love the part about things you can do but don't like... I have plenty of those and they are probably even more valuable because we do them as acts of love and service even though we don't like them!

      I think part of the reason it bothers me is because I know if I could make all that awesome stuff, it would be SO much cheaper than buying it... but hey, someone's got to support the people who CAN do all that crafty stuff so it might as well be me, right?

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  3. What a great post! I think it's so easy to get caught up in wishing that I could do things that other people are so talented at. I love this Bible quote as a reminder: "For just as we have many members in one body and all the members do not have the same function, so we, who are many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another. Since we have gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, each of us is to exercise them accordingly: if prophecy, according to the proportion of his faith; if service, in his serving; or he who teaches, in his teaching; or he who exhorts, in his exhortation; he who gives, with liberality; he who leads, with diligence; he who shows mercy, with cheerfulness." - Romans 12:4-8. I think it's awesome that you're looking into doing something to use your gifts to care for others! :)

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  4. For the past 4 years I've always been in charge of giving the gifts of the holy spirit talk at the confirmation classes or retreat. I go through days like this too. Mine is more of how come xyz person has such a great job making 10x more than me? How come they already have a house and i'm still stuck living at home? The list goes on.

    Although I try to think I'm crafty and I think I drive my mom crazy with my new "projects" I usually am pretty successful. But most of the times they are soo much work I won't ever make/do it again. I would love to have an etsy store also but all my crafts I steel from others haha

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    1. Yeah, I also sometimes get stuck on why someone is in a certain phase of life and I'm not. But we just have to know we are where we are supposed to be :).

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  5. For me it's not centered around being a good wife, because I wanted those same skills (cleaning, cooking, housekeeping) as a single person living on my own, and now share in it equally with my partner. For me it's just about my own sense of identity. I hate, hate, hate when people say "So what are your hobbies? What do you do for fun? What are you good at? What's something unique about you?" like they do in icebreakers, and I have NOTHING to say. "Ummm...I like watching TV and going to the movies...and reading on the subway...and petting my cats..." It makes me feel so dull. But every time I try to make myself more "interesting" I can't seem to get past the beginner's stage of whatever skill/hobby I'm trying to cultivate, before I lose interest or just feel like I can't get any better at it. That has been a struggle of mine for over ten years, and I still haven't figured out how to resolve it or let it go.

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    1. I agree to an extent, but even though I had similar expectations when I was single, it takes on new meaning to me when it's done as an act of love and service for another person, if that makes sense. I know what you mean about hobbies.... about all I have is scrapbooking and reading, and yeah it makes me feel lame lol!

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